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Chronicles of Chance
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ~ºChanceºxX~'s LiveJournal:

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Sunday, December 29th, 2013
1:29 am
Nights like tonight. These are the most dangerous. I've made my peace. These are the nights where it could finally actually end. And that sleep I need, that sleep I know, could finally cone to rescue me. These are the nights I wish it would. These are the nights when it would be ok. One of these nights, that'll be it. One of these nights. A night just like this one.
These are the days when anything goes.
Thursday, December 12th, 2013
8:22 am
Heartsick.
Thursday, October 3rd, 2013
8:32 am
October 3rd is the anniversary of one of the three most major events that have happened in my life.
I can't believe it's been so long already...
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013
9:50 am
Stole this from a good friend of mine. I guess it was a fairly predictable outcome. I wasn't really holding out for a "You are one with mother nature and a true child of the spirits" result.

Your rainbow is shaded black.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What is says about you: You are a powerful person. You appreciate mystery. You may meet people who are afraid of you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.


I've been ignoring this journal again, though at least this time the moments aren't just being lost. It's been more than three years now that I've been keeping a ridiculously intricate paper journal documenting everything. Looking back on it is so strange.
I often think about perhaps putting some of those updates on here, but always find a reason not to. It probably wouldn't be the best idea.

Anyway. If there's still anyone out there who signs onto this little page, I'm getting by. I'm still very sore inside, but I'm getting by. I'm in the process of radically changing my life so that the resolutions I made at the end of 2012 won't be yet another failure as with previous years. I think I have wasted a lot of time in 2013 so far, but I'm not doing that anymore. Every spare minute I've had since I've been back from holiday in fact has been used to fulfill an aim, and I plan to carry that on.

There's still no big sparkly rainbow at the top of my hill nor a jubilous light to be walked into. There's no happy denouement at the end of my book. However I am starting to once again find a kind of contentment in the knowledge that there wasn't ever supposed to be.
Friday, August 16th, 2013
2:57 pm
Tomorrow I'm going for drinks with an old friend I absolutely adore and haven't seen in too long.
Next weekend I have THREE birthday celebrations including a trip back "home" to Southampton for the first times in ages.
The Thursday after that I'm going to see my favourite band in the world in London in the teeny tiny Islington Academy.
Two weeks after that I'm going up to Nottingham, and then to Blackpool for an entire week with two of my closest friends to get our booze and roller coasters on.
Three weeks after that I'm going up to Alton Towers with a good friend of mine for a couple of days, to get even more roller coastered and hopefully not get rained out this time.
A week after that I'm going to see THREE HOURS of Bowling for Soup's last ever tour.
Two weeks after that I'm going to see The Cult AND Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds within five days of each other.
A week after that my Halloween celebrations start which include a nice mini-holiday, going to a gig with two bands I thoroughly enjoy and a huge amount of my friends, and then topped off with seeing HIM in London with even more people I love.
Just four days after that I'm seeing another band I adore, Seether in the tiny Union Chapel.
A week later I'm seeing Karnivool at the Wedge with a big group of friends, followed that weekend by the inimitable Motorhead AND the best live band on earth Depeche Mode.
Three days off and I'm off to see Hardcore Superstar in London and stay with my friend for some Friday night partying.
Exactly one week later I'll be seeing The Damned in the PORTSMOUTH PYRAMIDS of all places! And then just three weeks after that is the start of my amazing birthday week, followed by three weeks off until the new years.
And you know, with all of that to look forward to it's really strange but, in the words of the great Dave Vanian, I just can't be happy today.
Sunday, June 23rd, 2013
3:46 pm
Of "yipes" and "holy crap"
So many long-term couples close to me have broken up in the last month, it's insane.
I'm trying my best to be there and support them, as I am really, REALLY worried about some of them, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also doing it for other reasons.
Spending my time worrying about and comforting these people as much as I possibly can is actually taking my mind off of my own heartbreak, and gives me something else to think about, and I've got to say it's a welcome escape from the thoughts that have plagued me until this point. It sort of feels like I have a kind of purpose again, a reason to be here. Something GOOD to do in the masses of free time that replaced the time when I would have been... well, no need to go there again.
Does this make me a bad person? I feel weird using the suffering that other people are going through to partially escape my own, but on the other hand I haven't caused it and I am genuinely trying to help soothe their pain in any way I can.
Why does it all feel so... odd..?
The world truly has descended into chaos.

To my friends that are suffering loss, I love you all very much. Please hang in there.
Thursday, June 20th, 2013
11:37 am
Dear You-know-who-you-are.

I don't know if you ever still read this, it's doubtful but I know you used to and I don't have your number, Facebook or any other means of contact.

What the FUCK do you think you're doing?
I was nothing but nice to you, I was there for you to talk to when you felt like you couldn't talk to anyone else about the issues making you unhappy, I was there to listen about how bad he would sometimes make you feel, and give you advice.

Do you not understand the position that your putting me in by saying this shit? Not only does it make me seem like an evil cunt, but it's actually made people, people who mean a fuck of a lot to me, not want anything to do with me. Add to that I'm also (after nine months of staying completely out of your life) getting the blame for the break up of your marriage which I specifically told you to try and save and even broke contact with you so that you could do.
Then suddenly you find some new guy, ditch the the husband and the blame falls on me?? What the fuck.

After all the years I was your friend, you could at least do me the honour of telling people that this shit is NOT TRUE, and withdrawing me from this drama that has fuck all to do with me.
Tuesday, June 4th, 2013
7:49 am
I has forgotten how to single o.o
Tuesday, May 21st, 2013
10:34 am
I've found in the last few weeks that I seem to be becoming a little unstable. It's very strange.
If I were to liken the "average" sort of human mood, I suppose the way I have been feeling UP UNTIL recently, to a coin. A coin spinning on a flat surface, gyrating steadily, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but stable.
In these last few weeks though my coin seems to have been more akin to the movements that you see between the spinning and the lying flat on the surface without motion. A sort of eratic flail rather than a spin, if you will.

It's not that I'm finding that I'm constantly miserable, far from it I'm having some really great moments, but I feel that stability and order have been taken out of things, as if I were once moored to a dock, and thought that floating there I had learned to sail, and now suddenly I've been cut loose.
Those rodeo rides at funfairs, that's what it's like. Being torn away to the side so fast you feel sick, every few hours, ended up in some strange new emotion for better or worse.

At this time of writing, I'm finding the day difficult. Really very difficult. I'm hoping that the next dramatic tearing into another mood comes soon, jarring as it will be.

It's probably just the mood, but I can't help wondering what happens to me when the eratic flailing does finally become the coin lying flat. Perhaps a return to stability. I'll hope for that.
Saturday, May 11th, 2013
2:10 pm
This isn't one of mine, but they're some terrific lyrics and the song makes my insides tingle.


"Were you dying to go? You just looked so exposed.
Demure through the dark, dancing lights.
I glided by, I can't deny that the shadows betrayed you and I on that night.


As you reached for my hand, did you then understand
It was I who would lead you that night?
When you begged to know, I was glad to show that you needn't be scared, either way I still bite.


Well, I must confess,
I am overdressed.
Are you not impressed?
Darling, I want to.
I'll confess this too,
Must you know the truth?
This is all for you.
Darling, I want to.


So here's the final scene,
When I finally come clean.
I've watched you for years.

And here's my favorite part.
When you beg for my heart.
And I disappear.


Well, I must confess,
I am overdressed.
Are you not impressed?
Darling, I want to.
I'll confess this too,
Must you know the truth?
This is all for you.
Darling, I want to destroy you."
Thursday, April 25th, 2013
2:02 pm
Apparently you can't go from 10 to 6, 7 or even 8 very easily at all, you have to go aaaalllllllll the way down to 1 and then scramble up the rubbish chute because the ladder is out of order.
Saturday, January 5th, 2013
8:05 am
It's been nineteen years, Michael. Nineteen years today.
And do I feel the same?
Tuesday, December 25th, 2012
10:26 pm
Of Christmas and the new year and the resolutions therein...
The end of the year is approaching, and once again I'm forced back to look at last years resolutions and see how I've done, and once more it seems I've failed in the majority.
HOWEVER. I do believe that 2012 has helped me to lay some serious groundwork for some really intense things soon to come.
All in all it hasn't been a waste, and within it have been sewn some incredible memories. I'm reasonably happy with this year on the whole.

With annotations, my resolutions at the end of last year are as follows...

1) Continue exercise routine and achieve the shape I want.

I have exercised more in this year than ever before, and ended the year almost a stone lighter than I started it, though I do still really need to pick up my game with regard to this.

2) Get better with money so that I don't spend it all too quickly. Learn to budget.

No, in all honesty I have utterly failed on this front, and have the same amount of debt as before, in fact probably more.

3) Pay off all the money I owe and begin to pay off my student loan.

See above.

4) Get at least a few hours of tattooing done, either sorting back or arm.

No, I haven't achieved this, however I did get a £100 voucher for my birthday, and have started planning both of the above projects, so this is underway.

5) Finish and record an EP and/or album.

Nno, but this is far from a failure. I have finished several songs this year on guitar and written some lyrics that have amazed even myself. I'm currently in the process of adding synth and drums to those and hope to have my Facebook page launched with music in the early part of 2013.

6) Finish my book.

No, I've failed with "Devil Be Delighted", it's still amost finished but my interest is lost. I have started a new book which I believe has a lot more promise, but I'm worried that the same will happen again. Hmm.

7) Visit two or more foreign countries (including Germany for Wacken)

No, however I did visit Germany (though not for Wacken as I didn't end up going) so at least that's something.

8) Pay off my overdraft and have £0 or more in my bank on paydays.

No, I have failed on all money related resolutions this year.

9) Give up smoking, or at least be able to smoke socially only.

My smoking has cut down substantially, and really, I think that getting to the regularity in which I smoke now may actually be better than stopping entirely. I'm reasonably happy with this progress.

10) Get more sleep.

Yes, I've started getting a lot more sleep with the aid of naps, and generally I do feel better for it.

11) Eat 5-a-day and keep more hydrated.

I do need to work on my hydration levels still, but my diet has become so healthy this year that I would be foolish not to be pleased. I feel healthier and better for it.

12) Find someone with whom to converse in French.
No, this actually proved very difficult, but I have kept up my French on my own and have learned rudimentary German as well to about the same standard, which is definitely an achievement.


I do look at the progress made with this year with at least some sense of pride, but I need to discipline myself and put in a LOT more effort in 2013 in order to complete the goals I have set out to be completed before my thirtieth birthday.
In all seriousness though, I've never seen so much potential on the horizon, and I have faith in myself more for the coming year than perhaps I EVER have before.


With all of this in mind, I set out the following resolutions for 2013:

1) Cease the extravagant lifestyle at least temporarily and get my debts paid once and for all.
2) Up the amount of daily exercise I get to advance towards the shape I want.
3) Have either my arm or back tattoo touched up or redone.
4) Finish enough songs to release a physical EP and get a Facebook page up.
5) Work on my hydration levels.
6) Take and complete a course in medium to advanced German.
7) Visit at least one counrty I've never been to before.
8) Finish the first draft of one book.
9) Cease (or at least severely cut) the amount of time I spend with people that make me feel irritation or that I have wasted my time. In fact cut back on doing things in general that I don't really want to do, but perhaps feel an obligation to.
10) See each member of the select group of far-away but worthwhile friends I have that I have become distant from.



And finally, as I have completed it every year, here is the quiz thingy:

New Year Quiz MajigCollapse )

Happy new fakkin' year.
Wednesday, September 26th, 2012
7:13 pm
Happy birthday Michael.
Wednesday, August 29th, 2012
1:06 pm
This is a story with a point, believe it or not.

There were once a group of friends and they formed a punk band, and they called themselves "Table". Table had huge success with their music, almost every house in the world contained an album by Table. but times changed and a couple of members of left and had to be replaced.

The remnants of the band held auditions and hired two new members, who seemed at first to like punk music, and liked what Table had acheived, but they thought of it as being old hat, and thought that instead of doing punk music, Table should now play only reggae music.

Now, being the original members, the older two did not take well to this idea and told the other two it would never happen. 'Ok', said the other two, 'fuck you then, we'll go and make our own band called Table and play Reggae'.

'No! You can't do that', cried the rest of the band, 'We're Table. if you really want to go off and do your thing then why don't you call yourself "Desk" or "Worksurface"? Look, those guys over there play Reggae just like you want to play, you could join them? You surely don't want to be "Table"? You clearly don't believe in what Table does'!

'Hey, if you have the right to be Table, we have the right to be table too. We can be ANYTHING that you can be, and using the name "Table", we'll make Table's new music so big and cool that no one will even remember that once it was just you old fogies.
The original members of Table looked on in disbelief as their once personal and prized music went widespread and obliterated their small musical family.

And that's why Christians have a problem with same sex marriage.
Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
12:59 pm
Thank you Livejournal. I SO care that Rob Pattinson's girlfriend cheated on him.
Wednesday, July 18th, 2012
2:14 pm
Finally things are actually nice.

There are so few things now that I would change, and I don't even presume to hope for those things to be good also. I don't want to overstep my bounds with Eutykhia or whoever. You need some things in your life that aren't perfect, and right now, I'm good.

And so I intend to just float with this for a bit. Obviously it won't last forever, sooner or later fate will stick his fat red hand into my affairs, and then the big miserable shake-up and the new homeostasis. Such things aren't pessimism, they're inevitability.

But it's hard to feel down right now knowing that this is pretty much as close to contentment as you're likely to get. It would be a true mistake to do anything else right now than just... wallow.
Sunday, July 1st, 2012
1:12 pm
The reason why my heart breaks.
Monday, June 25th, 2012
2:29 pm
So, so, so, so strange. Too strange for my comfort zone. Yes, I'm scared.
Wednesday, June 20th, 2012
1:36 pm
In the vast and empty desolation of space, there is a galaxy called the Milky Way.
And within that galaxy lies a small planet called Earth.
And on that planet there is a mass of land called Europe.
And within this land mass is a country called France.
And within this country is a county called Île-de-France.
And within that county there is a city called Paris.
And within that city there is an island called the Île aux Cygnes.
And on that island, facing SE, 40 metres SW of the Pont Rouelle, is a bench.
And on that bench, in this sun, is where I wish to be sat.
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